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     TRAIN JOKES


.The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air, before the doors slid shut.

     Seeing at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station."


.Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink; Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster. An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?" "They came to see me off!" the boy replied.
 

An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

     Another passenger observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes."

     "But why, sir," asked the passenger, "do you keep raising your hand?" "Well," said the oldster, "that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that one before."


 two doctors and the manager of an HMO were killed when another one of UP's freight trains got derailed. They lined up at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asked each man to identify himself.

     The first doctor said, "My name is Dr. Smith and I was a pediatrician. I helped thousands of children with all kinds of medical problems."

     "Enter" said St. Peter

     The second man moved up and said, "My name is Dr. Jones and I was a psychiatrist. I've helped many people achieve mental health or, at worst, at least peace of mind."

     "Enter" said St. Peter

     The third fellow stepped forward and said, "I'm John Ross and I was the manager of an HMO. I have helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

     St. Peter said, "You can come in too, but you may only stay three days. When your days are up, then you just float yourself outside or you can go to hell. Your choice."

LAWYER: "Did you see the automobile approaching the railroad track?"

CROSSING WATCHMAN: "Yes sir -- and I said to myself, " That sure is a nice car -- wasn't it?"

TRAVELER: "What's the use of you having a time table if your rotten trains never stick to it?!"

PORTER: " Well, sir... how would you even KNOW they was runnin' late if NOT for the timetable?"

An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. " Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, " I want to go by TRAIN!"

PULLMAN PORTER to passenger: "Shall I brush you off, sir?"

PASSENGER: " No thank you.....I'd prefer to get off the train in the USUAL manner!"

CONDUCTOR to passenger: " Sir, I must ask you not to leave your luggage in the aisle."

FAT PASSENGER: " That's not my luggage, my good man.....that's my LUNCH!"

MAN: "Well, I can see that there must be a train around here somewhere."

WIFE: "What makes you say that, dear?"

MAN: " Because it left its TRACKS behind!"

What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time?

"Choo choo!"